You will find me when you seek.

As I page through my Afrikaans Bible, I see many underlined parts and lots of notes. I read bookmarks and special cards I left in my Bible from family and friends, but it feels like someone else’s Bible. I have little memory of a huge part of my life, and underlining Bible verses that meant something to me at the time when I was in school and university is amongst the things I cannot recall. When my siblings sometimes share stories of our childhood, I often cannot recall these experiences. I am uncertain of the reason for this memory loss, but I’ve come to accept that not remembering a huge part of my life is part of my life. I do recall experiences and the effect of bad decisions really well, and perhaps there is a reason for this.

We all have a story to tell – the story of our lives. Every disciple of Jesus Christ also had a story to tell. The idea of Jesus having chosen disciples while He was on earth is humbling. Somewhere in my life though, I started telling myself that He chose people who were good, sinless or at least had little sin, and were close to perfect. But they were people nonetheless, people like you and me. These very people, these sinners, shared with everyone they could the truth about Jesus Christ. These sinners, after Jesus ascended to Heaven, went all in to spread the good news that Jesus is “the way, and the truth, and the life” - John 14:6. But the story I told myself was that Jesus’ disciples must have had less sin than me; I truly believed some of the things I did in my life were unsalvageable.

I now realise that because of the story I told myself, I felt small, unworthy, and therefore didn’t call out to Him. I focused on the fact that I was imperfect. I felt and believed my sin was way too big and unforgivable for me to even dare look His way or speak to Him.  Unlike the state of the disciples' lives when Jesus called them - Matthew the shady tax collector, Mary Magdalene the possessed, Peter the impulsive one who denied Jesus, and even Judas who betrayed Jesus - I felt my sin was much greater in comparison. I was ashamed to talk to God, felt undeserving of salvation through Jesus’ blood, and felt unworthy of His grace and love.

If you have met me or know me and you read this, you may say, “But you’re such a gentle, nice person and you do good things for people,” and you would be right. But even though I gave my life to Jesus at a young age, I started pulling away from God in an attempt to hide my sin and, like Adam and Eve, I was hoping He would not find me because then the truth of who I was and what I did would be in the open, and I wasn’t sure I’d be worthy of His love and grace.

After decades of living far from God, of being lukewarm then cold towards Him mostly, He has given me an amazing testimony. He didn’t pull away from me during those years. I changed; I was living a life independent of God, but He was waiting for me to turn back to Him, and He did so patiently.

You see, we are responsible for our choices, and as you know, for every choice we make in life, there is a consequence. If you choose to eat too much, you will feel uncomfortable. If you choose to go to bed late and spend another hour or two on social media, you will wake up unrefreshed. If you choose to skip a red robot, you will get a fine, or even worse, someone could get hurt or die. If you choose to be disrespectful to someone, your heart will harden. If you choose to be abusive to others or be blind to your own mistakes, people may leave the relationship. Every choice in life has a consequence.

For decades I chose not to have a relationship with God and He let me; it was my decision to do so. I took my eye off Him and got lured away by all things worldly. I think this broke God’s heart, but He is a gracious God and our salvation is not frivolous.  He waited for me to change my mind, and then He pulled me close, He was here, right here when I called out to Him, when I sought Him, because He promises: 

Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:12-13

No matter who you are, no matter what you have done, and whether you believe you are not worthy of God’s love and grace, He is waiting for you to call upon Him, to turn to Him and have a relationship with Him.

🎶 May this song move your soul: Trust In God (feat. Chris Brown & Isaiah Templeton) | Elevation Worship. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QS04WbSnxok