Yes, God hid his face from me for a moment…

Before God, there are no secrets. Yet for decades, I lived my life with the same brazen audacity as some South African drivers who runs a stop sign or a red light. You know the type - the ones who refuse to make eye contact with the person they just cut off, as if not looking at them somehow makes it okay. I figured if I didn't acknowledge God, maybe He wouldn't notice me and my ways either.

As a student I made a solemn commitment to myself and to God during my university years: to live a sexually moral life. However, I broke that commitment, convincing myself that the ways of the world were acceptable. That since the Bible was written thousands of years ago, surely its “rules” had changed and that God would be okay with our modern, more relaxed interpretation of His words. The farther I drifted from God, the more I relied on my own opinions about what God would be okay with and what He meant, even though His Word is unmistakably clear.

"Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 (NKJV)

I allowed myself to be deceived once again.

Looking the other way had numerous devastating consequences, but the most grievous of all was that I shamelessly offended God.

Despite the outward appearance of my life seeming under control, it was actually a mess for decades. I recall walking out of a church many years ago, when the pastor spoke on a topic that was both sensitive and undeniably important, one I had to hear, but because I was embarrassed, I blamed the pastor for not making me feel welcome... The words of the pastor caused me to feel judged and isolated, as if everyone else was able to live according to God's Word while I had drifted so far that I believed He had lost interest in me. This was a lie, and Satan revelled in my vulnerability to his tempting deceptions. Surely God will understand if I go against His will and good guidance for me? Those are some of the thoughts and behaviours that led me further away from God and they were not from my Heavenly Father.

"The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God." Galatians 5:19-21.

When I recently listened to a compelling interview with Johnathan Cahn’s about “The Return of the gods,” I came to understand the precise nature of my deception. It was exactly as Paul described:

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12 (NKJV)

I cannot plead ignorance of what was happening; I consciously chose to live the life I lived. Although I had full access to His Word, I chose not to read it or cultivate a relationship with Him. Every single indiscretion and inappropriate, unacceptable relationship was a choice I made. God has offered me countless opportunities throughout my life to return to Him, but it took me decades to heed His loving calls. I now look back and understand that through my complacency, my casual Christianity, my justifying every act and indiscretion, I opened more and more doors for Satan to keep me away from the truth – the love of Jesus.

Like a loving father, God recently revealed to me that my behaviour was unacceptable and contrary to everything He teaches me about my body. It was deeply painful to accept, knowing that I had caused God to turn His face away from me for a time. But still, He gathered me with great mercies!

"For a mere moment I have forsaken you, But with great mercies I will gather you. With a little wrath I hid My face from you for a moment; But with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you, ”Says the Lord, your Redeemer. (Isaiah 54: 7-8)

God is holy, He wants us, who He made in His image, to be holy too.

God is faithful, He cannot lie, and He does not want any single soul to perish, as Jesus himself said: "And this is the will of Him who sent Me, that everyone who sees the Son and believes in Him may have everlasting life; and I will raise him up at the last day." John 6:40 (NKJV).

God also reminded me that I will reap what I sow, much like a farmer who reaps wheat when he plants wheat. Similarly, when I sow to the flesh, my flesh grows stronger and more dominant. “Do not be deceived: God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life.” Galatians 6:7-8. Had I died in the past few decades, I honestly don’t believe I would have been part of the everlasting life promised to God's children.

Finally, when I was desperate enough to call out to God, He did exactly what He promised: He listened. I was given this chance, and I am at a loss for words to express just how grateful and humbled I am by God’s everlasting love!

It was up to me to show Him that I was serious, and this is where a deepening of a relationship with God became crucial - leaving behind the life I lived. Now 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NKJV) will forever be true for my life: 

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new."

While I accepted Jesus as my Saviour when I was young, I began to adopt a casual approach to Christianity, allowing many things to come between God and me. God longs to have a deep relationship with you, where you can know Him and experience His lovingkindness. Just like any relationship, if both parties don’t nurture it, it won’t flourish into something beautiful; instead, it may become a burden, something you keep around only because you’re reluctant to end it.

I do not deserve God’s mercy! I definitely do not. But God did exactly as He promises in His Word, and that’s how I know that He will have mercy on anyone who turns to Him. He truly renewed my heart and mind - that's what He does.

Jesus’ words in Luke 13:5 is both a stern warning and a message of hope:

But unless you repent, you too will all perish.” (NIV)

To repent is the doorway to receiving the gift of forgiveness and everlasting life.  What does it mean to repent?  Repentance is a decision of the will, a deliberate choice, not an emotion.  It means you change your mind, and you decide you’re going to live another way. It means turning away from your old ways and committing to live in a different way, a way that is in line with the Word of God.

This is the heart of our Heavenly Father: 

"Who is a God like You, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of His inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; You will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea." Micah 7:18-19 (NIV) 

When God forgives, He does not look back or, like many of us, continually bring up the past. He does not remind us of our brokenness once we turn to Him; He does not judge. He truly forgives.

This is part of my story - your story may have similarities, or it may be very different. We live in an age where everything seems acceptable. Whatever we do, we believe we have good reason for it and we often ignore God's loving guidance, doing things that create a divide between God and us.

The life I lived, the things I've done created a divide between God and me without any doubt. I refused to accept His guidance at the time because I felt God gave me a healthy mind and will, allowing me to decide what is best for me, even if what I did was against His will for me.

I feel a sense of urgency - you may not have tomorrow. If your relationship with Jesus is casual, as mine used to be, He wants you to turn to Him fully and turn away from anything that could cause you to perish.

For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; IT IS THE GIFT OF GOD. Ephesians 2:8 (NKJV)

Don’t wait!

I pray that you too choose to surrender to our loving Heavenly Father, so you will experience the depth of His everlasting love, a changed life and the promise of eternal life.

Here I bow - Jenn Johnson - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvHi7N8kc8s&list=RDhvHi7N8kc8s&start_radio=1